Unquiet Mind narrative

SOCIAL CONSTRUCTION JANUARY 8, 2009

Script List

1. When I am in a manic state, I enjoy the intensity as long as there is someone to help me.
2. When the illness sets in, I relish the mania and survive the depression, then I continue as I did before. (1961 - 15 yrs old)
3. When I look to myself in the future I wee my mercurial moods then make decisions that tolerate my moods. (21 yrs)
3a (new entry) When my moods stabilize I am unfamiliar with who I now am and then I rebuid what I know about myself. (1966? - undergrad student)
3b When I go to seek help for my depression I am paralyzed with fear and shame then I wait for it to leave only long enough to regroup for its next attack. (18yrs)
3c When I am immersed in research I fit in to the world then I can cope with my changes in mood (18 yrs)
3d When I am in Scotland I enjoy the mysticism of Scotland and me then I can forget some of the previous pain I have felt (20 yrs)
3e When I am in grad school I am free of my extreme mood swings and I don’t make the connection between what I had experienced and manic-depressive illness. (23-28 yrs)

4. When my brother helps me I am somewhat protected, then I am not faced with consequences on my own.
5. When I had no control, I learned to accept that limits exist, then I learned to move within these restraints.

6. When I am in love, it is wonderful, then I lose it.
7. When I am overcome by turmoil I seek to regain control by attemtting to commit suicide so everyone's misery will end.
8. When I become restless I focus on my clinical work, then I feel successful.

PLEASE DATE EACH OF YOUR ENTRIES

Script timeline
1. Prologue - 1. Running Fast but Slowly going Mad - Manic Episode at UCLA Medical Centre – psychiatric department – p.3-4
2. Prologue - 2. Apprehensive about Sharing – Kay was worried that writing this book would affect her personal and professional life - p.7-8
3. Into the Sun - Plane Crash (7 yrs, gr. 2)
4. Into the Sun - A Dog is Better than a Sloth
5. Into the Sun - A Child's Pursuit of Becoming a Doctor
6. Into the Sun - A Visit to the Mental Institution
7. Into the Sun - Navy Cotillion Defiance
8. Into the Sun - Finding your Place in a California High School (15 yrs)
9. Into the Sun - First Manic-Depressive Episode (senior high)
10. An education for Life - Freshman year (18 yrs) p. 42 Description: Kay goes on a purchasing spree of books which seemed to contain the essential key to her 'grandiosely dizzied view of the universe', only to be followed by a deep depression; a cycle which she was becoming familiar with.
11. An Education for Life - Positive Acknowledgment (18 yrs) p.45 Description: Kay's Rorschach interpretation demonstrated creativity and intellect; this was recognized and valued by professor and self even though she had the ups and downs in emotion and productivity
12. An Education for Life - Respite at University of St Andrews (20 yrs) p.49 Description: A year of study and enjoying the arts without any manic or depressive episodes - "an Indian summer in my life"
13. An Education for Life-Finding a Depressive Companion (21 yrs) p.52 Description –connected with a researcher who also suffered from depression and contemplated medication
14. An Education for Life-Grad School Bliss (23-28 yrs) p.55 Description – Kay enjoys the flexibility of grad school and the temporary freedom from her illness.
15. "Flights of the Mind" - Chancellor's Garden Party p. 70 Description - Kay attends a party in a manic state. She recalls the party differently then her future psychiatrist who was at the same party.
16. "Flights of the Mind"- Snake Bite Bills p. 75 Description- Kay sifts through a mound of bills with her brother, which she acquired in a manic state.
17. "Flights of the Mind"- Blood-Red Sunset p. 78 Description- Kay has a hallucination that scares her beyond words.
16. "Missing Saturn"- Fly me to the moon p. 90-92 Description: Kay struggles with giving up her hypomanias and feels that she has lost a part of herself.
17. "Missing Saturn"- Lithium and loss p.92-98 Description: Kay must face the side effects of lithium, including the effect on her mental abilities
18. "Missing Saturn"- Giving up control p.98-103 Description: Kay confronts the psychological issues around medication, including having to give up control.
18. "Missing Saturn"- Faced with limits p.103- 109 Description Kay faces the fact that she (or anyone else) can’t help a patient with Bipolar.
19. The Charnel House - Hopelessness (29 yrs - sometime during 1975) p. 110-113 Description: In complete despair, on lithium and in therapy, Kay resolves to kill herself.
20. The Charnel House - Resolution (29 yrs) p. 113-114 Description: Having physically attacked her husband, Kay purposefully overdoses on lithium. (1975) Script: When I am overcome by turmoil I seek to regain control by attempting to commit suicide so everyone's misery will end.
21. The Charnel House - Coming to Terms with My Self p. 120-122 Description: Kay struggles to reconcile her two identities: soft spoken and highly disciplined; manic, violent and insane.
22. Tenure - Title: Struggle for Tenure (1974-1981) p. 124/135 Description: Kay competes for tenure over 6 years, through her first episode of psychotic mania which is a time of transformation and possibility; Key finally receives tenure at UCLA.
23. Tenure - Title: Clinical Focus p. 125/126 Description: Kay is assigned to an adult inpatient ward for her first teaching and clinical responsibility where she becomes restless with varied research projects and writing. Kay narrows down her interest to mood disorders, specifically bipolar disorder, and sets up the UCLA mood disorder clinic.
24. Tenure - Title: Importance of Education & Treatment p. 127 Description: The outpatient clinic stresses education about illnesses and treatment as Kay feels medication and psychotherapy are important, also encourages reading of first hand accounts to further learning.
25. Tenure - Title: Music as Education (1985) p. 128 Description: Kay delivers lectures on music written by composers with mental illness, including producing a concert. This evolved into public TV specials on bipolar disorder and the arts.
26. Tenure - Title:Concerns about opening up p. 129 Description: Fear is experienced about disclosing her illness as she feels she has much to lose, including not being licensed yet. Kay has good support from the chairman of her department. (throughout running the clinic/early years on UCLA faculty)
27. Tenure - Title: Roller coaster academic life p. 131 Description: Life is difficult living with bipolar disorder and Kay experiences an up and down existence. Loves academic medicine. Described as no exit.
28. Tenure - Title: Losing her identity p. 132 Description: Kay had difficulty participating in athletics as before and had to give up horse-back riding, which she equates with giving up a piece of her former self.
29. Tenure - Title: Women in Psychiatry (up to 1981) p. 132/133 Description: Kay was one of the few women in psychiatry and felt fortunate the tenure process had many checks and balances because of this ‘all men’s club’.
30. An Officer and a Gentlemen - A new Friend p. 140 Description: Kay meets David during her first year as faculty at UCLA (1975).
31. An Officer and a Gentlemen - Moving On p. 142 Description: Kays' marriage to Alain Moreau (named in Acknowledgements) ends (1975).
32. An Officer and a Gentlemen - More than Friends p. 143 Description: David returns to UCLA and they begin a romantic relationship (1975).
33. An Officer and a Gentlemen - The Truth p. 145/146 Description: Kay tells David about her illness. He is accepting (1975 ish).
34. An Officer and a Gentlemen - Love p. 147 Description: Kay and David continue their romance long-distance (1975 ish).
35. An Officer and a Gentlemen - Loss p. 148 Description: David dies. Kay deals with the formality of his death (1978).
36. An Officer and a Gentlemen - True Loss p. 149/150 Description: Kay deals with the emotional loss of David's death (1978).
37. An Officer and a Gentlemen - Life after Love p. 151 Description: Kay contiunes her life without David (1978).
38. They Tell Me it Rained - A Gentle and Wonderful Interlude - Sabbatical in England – p.154
39. They Tell Me it Rained - Thinking of what David was missing – p.158-159
40. They Tell Me it Rained - Love at First Sight – When Kay met David – p.159-161
41. They Tell Me it Rained - And the Clouds Lift – Kay lowers her dose of lithium - p.161-162
42. Love Watching Madness - Tutoring a Blind Student (as an undergraduate)
43. Love Watching Madness - Returning to UCLA from England (1983)
44. Love Watching Madness - Authoring a Textbook
45. Love Watching Madness - Married to Richard (after 1986)
46. "The Troubled Helix"- Battle of the Black Boxes p.188 Description: Kay meets Mogens Schou who was the main proponent of the use of Litium to treat manic-depressive illness.
47. "The Troubled Helix"- God's Truth pgs.190-191 Description: Kay meets a new doctor who humiliates her and judges her based on her illness alone.
47. "The Troubled Helix"- The ethics of genetics- p. 193-195 Description: Despite being very committed to finding the genes linked to bipolar, Kay questions the ethical issues surrounding the discovery. 48. "The Troubled Helix"- Losing one's mind- literally- p.195-198 Description: Kay starts to research the neurology of bipolar and discovers that brain structure may be related to the disorder, but many questions still remain. 49.Clinical Privileges - Burned Bridges (1976 ish) p. 199-201 Description: Kay is devastated by the reaction of a friend and colleague (Mousehart) when she discloses her diagnosis.
50. Clinical Privileges - Struggling with Disclosure p. 201-204 Description: Kay fears how disclosing her diagnosis publicly will impact others' perceptions of her as a professional.
51. Clinical Privileges - Courage Rewarded (1986) p. 204-209 Description: Kay fears her diagnosis will have a negative impact on her application for clinical privileges at Johns Hopkins Hospital in Washington; she is pleasantly surprised.
52. A Life in Moods - Title: Black moods vs. Mania Excitement p. 210/211 Description: Kay remembers the darkness of depression which is offset by memories of her manias. (memories – no specific timeline)
53. A Life in Moods - Title: Seductive Past p. 211/212 Description: Kay’s memories of her mania are bittersweet and she has a seductive but rare desire to return to the past. The thing she misses the most is her intense moods.(memories – no specific timeline)
54. A Life in Moods - Title: Remaining Well p. 212-214 Description: Kay is mostly optimistic although she states she has a fatalistic outlook. Kay’s moods are kept slightly intense by taking a lower dose of lithium. (no timeline given – looking to the future) (probably 1982 ish - she reduced amount of lithium she was taking while on sabbatical in England, at St. George's Hospital/Oxford University)
55. A Life in Moods - Title: Love as a Protector p. 214/215 Description: We all build internal walls to protect ourselves. Kay’s wall consists partly of medication but love is the more important part of her wall. (no timeline given – looking to the future)
Epilogue - Kay is reflecting on her life with manic-depressive illness. She believes that without lithium, depression would end her life. Her life, with lithium, has allowed her to experience life with a heightened sense of awareness.