Writing in labor and employment relations/Feedback templates

Resend CL and R + Include JD
Thanks - please resend the CL and R in Editable Google Doc format (via Shareable Link)

Also, can you get the text version of the job description - by the time I start grading, it might not be available!

Thanks!

- Prof. Fisher

Using Strikethrough

 * I use Strikethrough when it is easier to just show you - by striking out the specific sentences / words - rather than trying to explain it, and then you/the student has to figure out how and where to make the changes. Additionally, it allows you to distinguish what and where the changes have been made - so that you can have a cleaner copy for further editing.

Alignment between Cover Letter & Resume
If the cover letter is focused on a Finance or PM role, then you have to make sure the cover letter supports it, and gives prominence to these skills. When I go through your resume, it is hard to map / connect to the actual role and the key skills associated with success in the role.

Extraneous / Strikethrough
Often, I will strikethrough content that is repetitive, wordy or just doesn't make sense.
 * If you say: I am very excited to learn more about XYZ Company because I hope to someday enter the field OR XYZ Company interests me because of its reputation for for success and for its number of opportunities.

All of this is extraneous - unnecessary - and it does not PROVE why you are qualified to work for them, or that you would be an asset to their company / culture.

Make Your Case
You haven't made a strong case as to why you can make a contribution to their organization. It has to be more than "I want to learn new things."

Language Not Specific OR Active Enough

 * When you are applying to a job, it is YOUR JOB to make sure there is adequate and specific detail regarding WHAT you did, and what you Achieved. You have to remember that the hiring manager / decision-maker is looking to make a "match" between you / your skills and their requirements - and that they do not want to "work" to figure out how your experience matches their requirements. If they do have to "work", your documents will go in another pile - usually the 'never' or trash pile.

Redundant

 * 7th Grade - is a child

Watch Tense - Use Active Language

 * Use Active Language - watch your use of tenses -i .e., if you did something in the past, you "completed" OR "performed" it.
 * It is best to use past tense for jobs that you are currently doing.

I am a Hard Worker

 * It is NOT enough to say that you are a hard worker. Instead, it would be much Stronger if you gave specific details to back up your claims / statements. This specificity and accomplishments provide evidence of your hard work!

Never, Never Say You Will Do "Anything"

 * TBD

For Business Majors

 * As a student with little work experience, or specifically in the field of your interest, then it is wise to do the following:
 * 1) Search the Internet or a Job Search Site for a mid-level career professional with the desired job title.
 * 2) Scan the job description for Requirements as well as Responsibilities.
 * 3) In the Responsibilities section, you will find out what the person in this role does / is expected to do.  (Now you have your target!).

Your "job", is to map your experience with the target job - even though it is at a junior level. This means, that if you had a sales / customer service job in a retail store, it would NOT be adequate to say that you provided "customer service". It would be MUCH, MUCH Better to say that you "Analyzed customer requirements to increase service quality, sell more of shirts to customers in this demographic. OR "Analyzed customer purchasing patterns and promoted new inventory to them, to increase quarterly sales.

Working in a Bank / Financial Institution
Projects may include analyzing data to support risk/reward business decisions, assessing and forecasting profit and loss, and analyzing performance metrics. In addition, you will gain knowledge of our credit risk management, controls, and infrastructure, and help provide effective risk management improvements.

So, your job is to say that you: Analyzed data to support better business decision-making (and then be specific); forecasted sales and departmental revenue; developed strategies (what were they) to increase performance.

Management Analyst
this is about maintaining inventory levels on the floor as well as in the computer / warehouse. Again, Management Analysts analyze this information - specifically to understand buyer behavior, patterns and how to upsell and cross-sell customers.

HR Intern
ou still haven’t made the case for how you fit into HR - beyond the fact that you are interested in it. Try to break down the roles and responsibilities in the jobs you have worked for, and map them to the requirements of working in an HR Role. This will give you a more specific handle on how to present yourself, in alignment with an HR Career Path.

Marketing Intern

 * If you are applying to a Marketing Internship, it is YOUR job to show how your skills are Transferable - and what you did, in marketing terms. So, if you've had a retail job - instead of saying: "I worked in a fast-paced environment ensuring customer satisfaction", give me details about WHO the Customers are - Male/Female, Age, Demographic / Psychographic, Style - and what you did to improve customer satisfaction. Was it about analyzing their behavior; developing thematic promotions at different times of the year; recommending more visually-appealing merchandise OR better point-of-sale displays to move older items and generate revenue for the company; easier return policy to promote repeat sales and customer loyalty? These are all about marketing - and give the reader a better sense about how YOUR experience - even if it isn't in the same industry - could match and align to their company and requirements.

Advertising Sales Intern

 * Much of this letter is about your ‘can-do’, go-getter attitude. In a way, it screams “me, me, me”. Yet, in order to be successful, you have to make a stronger connection to the organization - its needs and the concerns of individuals in hiring / decision-making capacities. As you are seeking an advertising / sales job, you have to mention that you have been a competitive athlete. You have to research the org a bit to learn about their target markets, offerings and areas where they might be advertising and promoting. Then, you will be able to tailor your cover letter and resume to their needs, in a stronger more compelling way. And, you will set yourself apart from the competition by showing your leadership and initiative and putting them first!

Working as a Supply Chain Intern - with Restaurant Experience
It is important to customize resumes to the job. In a restaurant, there is a a mini-supply chain - you could imagine this. There is an excellent opportunity to show the reader that you understand this, and how you analyzed and optimized this to make improvements in the restaurant and to improve functioning and profitability.

Entrepreneurial and Networking Skills - Started a Business
This is excellent and a great example of entrepreneurship. Many people go to business school and they never started a business - you have, and that's an education in itself. You have to build up your story!

For Athletes
As a high achieving sports athlete and team player, you have a challenge to present your skills, as well as an opportunity to share your unique and special talents with employers. Athletes are usually goal-driven, highly-competitive and a good fit for sales positions - however, you do not demonstrate this in the words used in your resume.

I suggest bring the athletics portion of your resume to the top - and really explaining what you’ve done and by extension ‘can do’ for an employer.

Afterwards, you can list community service

While we generally don’t encourage listing courses - you might wish to highlight 1 or 2 of them - the ones you most enjoy or excel in, instead of listing various attributes / characteristics associated with taking these courses. These attributes are best identified in a cover letter.

For your assignment, I found that the cover letter was much stronger than the resume. It is a bit wordy in places, but otherwise OK. The resume needs a lot of work.

Too Much Information Crammed into Your Cover Letter OR Resume
After looking at the original version, the resume is far too crammed with information. Sometimes, in a resume, you can leave out jobs that are not so relevant, and keep others in that are more aligned to the job you are seeking. Too many jobs at a university tell the reader something about you - it could be positive or it could be negative. You have the power to make choices over what you decide to include / not include in the resume - to tell your story.

White Paper

 * Improvements - more detail about the Paradigm and the Theoretical Framework that you are going to use for this project.

Overview - All Requirements

 * IDENTIFIES WITH PEOPLE - Patron & Population - Do you have a particular reader (or funding source) in mind? Is this the right person (Patron) or, should you imagine / research another Patron who cares about / understands the Problem?
 * Does the Project address the needs of a particular Population? Are the interests of the Patron aligned or different to the target Population?
 * POINTS TO A PROBLEM - Is there a need for this Proposal? Can this Problem be researched and documented? How can you find out more about the Problem? What sources of information would be helpful? What types of evidence would illustrate the Problem better?
 * FACES COMPLEXITY - Is the idea of sufficient complexity to require a detailed proposal? If not, can you suggest ways to develop the project so that it would be adequately complex? Have you considered all of the major problems here, or is there something you are missing or avoiding?
 * SUGGESTS LINES OF RESEARCH - Does the topic lend itself to Library Research? What other kinds of research should be considered? How would you support your claims about the Problem suggested by the Proposal?
 * POSITIONS THE WORK WITHIN A PARADIGM (THEORETICAL FRAMEWORK) - how would you position yourself within a discipline or field of study to approach the topic. What disciplines might be helpful? What research might you use to develop the Paradigm? ? Have your selected Scholarly Sources already indicated different theories that might be applicable or appropriate?
 * DEMONSTRATES ORIGINALITY - is this work original? Has this been tried before? What would make it more innovative? Are there other ways of approaching the Problem?
 * STAYS WITHIN REACH - Is the proposed research manageable? Can the scope of the proposed work be done well, given available time and resources? Is the idea focused enough in terms of population, location or issue. Can it actually be done? Would you be able to take it on now, or in the next few years?
 * WRITING, SENTENCE CONSTRUCTION, GRAMMAR & PUNCTUATION
 * Also, you've got to improve your writing - the way you submitted the paper to me made your problem unclear. I cleaned it up - see the difference - and learn from it. Writing is a craft, and you get better at it by continuing to work at generating clarity, making smaller sentences and increasing the richness, depth and specificity of what you're trying to express.
 * Joe, your WP is well-written – having a paper where the sentence construction, grammar and punctuation make for a ‘good read’ go a long way in presenting one’s case and establishing your credibility in the mind of the reader.

Direct Feedback to Students
I have reviewed your paper, and after referencing the Magrino book (p. 145), I notice that your White Paper has gaps / deficiencies in the following areas:

Your job is to make a persuasive appeal to a Patron - regarding a group of people (2nd P), who are being affected by a Problem (3rd P). I recognize that you might not see it in that order - and I am not suggesting that you do it in that order - however the explicit focus FOR THIS COURSE is to make an appeal to a Patron - and convince him / her to invest in / or fund your project. And, to do that, you have to justify the merit of the project through your evidence (research), plan and price.
 * IMPORTANCE OF THE PATRON - JOB #1 - IN THIS COURSE:
 * If you go back to the beginning of the course - the 6Ps. (p. 9): The first P is for Patron.
 * Hopefully, you've been researching organizations that could potentially fund your project (solution). Remember when we went to the Library and you were showed Foundation Database Online? (it's an excellent resource). If you were to focus on one person in said organization, s/he would count as a Patron.
 * And, remember to mention / incorporate the Patron in your midterm letter / sales pitch.
 * IDENTIFIES WITH PEOPLE - PATRON & POPULATION - Who is your reader and/or funding source? Is this the right person (Patron) or, should you imagine / research another Patron who cares about / understands the Problem?
 * re: the Patron. It is implicit (kind of), not explicit - you need to be explicit and specific about (who is) the Patron in your paper. If you would have done that. you would get a better grade. Note, that without a Patron explicitly identified in a paper - the guidance from the English department is to give an F.
 * However, I am noting your work and attentiveness in the course - and am giving you a C.
 * Make sure your Project addresses the needs of a particular or segment of the Population
 * Make sure your Patron's interests are aligned to the target population - if they are different, then you may want to find another Patron.
 * POINTS TO A PROBLEM - What need is this Proposal going to meet? How are you planning to research and document your Proposal? How can you find out more about the Problem? What scholarly and popular sources of information would be helpful? What types of evidence would illustrate the Problem better?
 * Now, what is it that YOU propose to do? The WP should give some indication of this beyond referencing what someone else has done.
 * FACES COMPLEXITY - Is the idea of sufficient complexity to require a detailed proposal? If not, can you suggest ways to develop the project so that it would be adequately complex? Have you considered all of the major problems here, or is there something you are missing or avoiding?
 * SUGGESTS LINES OF RESEARCH - Does your topic lend itself to Library Research? What other kinds of research should be considered? How would you support your claims about the Problem suggested by the Proposal?
 * POSITIONS THE WORK WITHIN A PARADIGM (THEORETICAL FRAMEWORK) - how would you position yourself within a discipline or field of study to approach the topic. What disciplines might be helpful? What research might you use to develop the Paradigm? Have your selected Scholarly Sources already indicated different theories that might be applicable or appropriate?
 * DEMONSTRATES ORIGINALITY - is this work original? Has this been tried before? Where (location)? What were the results? What would make it more innovative? Are there other ways of approaching the Problem?
 * STAYS WITHIN REACH - Is the proposed research manageable? Can the scope of the proposed work be done well, given available time and resources? Is the idea focused enough in terms of population, location or issue. Can it actually be done? Would you be able to take it on now, or in the next few years?
 * WRITING, SENTENCE CONSTRUCTION, GRAMMAR & PUNCTUATION
 * You've got to improve your writing - the way you submitted the paper to me made your problem unclear. I cleaned it up - see the difference - and learn from it. Writing is a craft, and you get better at it by continuing to work at generating clarity, making smaller sentences and increasing the richness, depth and specificity of what you're trying to express.
 * Joe, your WP is well-written – having a paper where the sentence construction, grammar and punctuation make for a ‘good read’ go a long way in presenting one’s case and establishing your credibility in the mind of the reader.
 * It started out well-written but as I read further, the sentence construction (SC) and grammar (G) was awkward in places. I corrected one or two of the sentences to give you clarity about how to tighten up the sentence without losing the meaning.


 * SC, G – be aware of using too many “thus”, however, as a mater of fact, etc. – these are unnecessary and distract the reader.

Areas for Improvement

 * Paradigm - highlight it further - so it’s clear what it is, and what you are going to suggest changing. Is it neglect of the homeless because they are ‘homeless’ or perceived differently, and it’s convenient to look the other way? Or…. I’m sure that you probably got that in your interview - you mentioned so, in the AB
 * Theoretical Framework - more discussion regarding this is required. It’s not clear what theory / theories you are working with -
 * Lines of Research - you might also look at the interdisciplinary research associated with homelessness - it might turn out there are psychological reasons (or, mental illness) as to why people may want to / not want to participate in the mobile showers. They may require an input of counselling - to deal with fears and anxiety with showering in a different place, where they may not have control of, or having to alter their appearance / clothing - i.e., a new identity, and so on.

Instructor Suggestions to Focus On - White Paper

 * POSITION THE WORK WITHIN A PARADIGM (THEORETICAL FRAMEWORK) - The Paradigm needs fleshing out. Have you identified theories in your articles that could be used to support the development of a Paradigm OR, I note that you have already identified possible Paradigms.


 * DEMONSTRATE ORIGINALITY - Can you show how this work is original? I didn’t see an original fieldsource. If for example, you used the coach - player theory about desentization, could you interview several players and coaches to see if this is true? Also, I remember, I mentioned “Compassion Fatigue” in class - you might also look up Vicarious Trauma - this is related to this area. PTSD might offer some useful info as well.


 * STAYS WITHIN REACH - Researching the NCAA population is very challenging - partic. given our very limited time frame. However, there are subsets of the population, and local or regional that you might be able to extrapolate trends / infer patterns, etc.

More Detail
It would be helpful to have a better understanding of the Theoretical Framework you will be using and the Paradigm. You have many good ideas / and theories, but these are implicit in the descriptions of the documented sources. You need to bring these out to the fore.
 * Theoretical Framework

I like the ‘models of success’ that you have discovered / uncovered. The more that you can unpack them, relative to the the population you are studying, the more specific your Plan can be informed. And, when you know what others have done, you can be more innovative too, in proposing something original and complex.
 * Models of Success

I like the interview with Jeb - excellent information and authentic. It comes across as a conversation, but it is really an interview. If you could "structure" the questions in a consistent way, then you could potentially survey other athletes - just make sure your survey is "valid" and "reliable" so that you can use the data. . It comes across as a conversation, but it is really an interview. If you could "structure" the questions in a consistent way, then you could potentially survey other athletes - just make sure your survey is "valid" and "reliable" so that you can use the data.
 * Original Fieldwork

There’s a lot of information about the Problem, but it needs more information about the Paradigm and the Theoretical Framework. You need to pull these from the sources you’re reading. Scholarly sources are really helpful for this, as the authors often contrast, compare and differ from other quoted authors. Knowing this conversation in the articles will help you identify specific theories from different disciplines - i.e., medicine, stress, motivation, health, athletic performance and so on.
 * Problem & Paradigm

AB - Original Source Fieldwork

 * Where is the Original Source / Fieldwork reference?

Sports Responses

 * IDENTIFIES WITH PEOPLE - Patron & Population - You have identified a Population, but not the Patron for the proposal. Who do you think might fund your proposal? (I think though, you have to decide whether you want to focus on prevention or treatment - as this might be funded by different Patron’s or organizations. Prevention might be of interest to the National Institutes of Health or other sports organizations - you pointed out in the AB, that different sports have similar injuries.
 * POSITIONS THE WORK WITHIN A PARADIGM (THEORETICAL FRAMEWORK) - Once you decide whether it’s evaluation or treatment you are going to focus on, you want to get the theories in the scholarly articles to inform your research and plan. They would help you too, position yourself within a discipline or field of study to approach the topic. And, be sure to think about the research that you might use to develop the Paradigm?

B, B+ Grade

 * Have you done any Original Source / Fieldwork such as an interview with XXXX? This would give you additional information and insights and greater insights about the target / affected population. It would help you manage the complexity of your project as well as identify other potential lines of research, and even project partners. And, you'd have someone to ask too - about the costs for putting your budget together and/or ideas for potential funding (i.e., Patron) - that you could use or not.
 * You've done a good job of identifying data sources as well as Models of Success. (If you haven't done Original Source / Fieldwork, you could interview the directors of the programs to find out first-hand how many people when through the program, what was achieved, what the follow-on activities were, and funders, etc. This information could then be used to guide the development of your Plan, Budget and so on.
 * There are some Models of Success but the AB entry is not specific enough (i.e., how many people when through the program, what was achieved etc. (You could even interview the program director as an Original Source / Fieldwork Interview to get more details). And then, you could use the information to guide the development of your Plan, Budget and so on.
 * It's somewhat clear who the Population is, but it could be more specific. I can infer it, but make it explicit for the reader.
 * You've identified possible Paradigms - that is good. What about the Theoretical Framework - is there a theory that you are drawn to in one of the sources? Why / Why not? And how does it apply to your Problem / Solution
 * As a scholar, this will help you suggest or point toward a consensus view (or Paradigm) that justifies your project objective.
 * There are still some errors with grammar, sentence construction and punctuation. I have put on the tracking in MS Word to make some edits - and 'show' you how to make them, to improve your sentences. Going forward and throughout the remainder of the term, I expect that you will continue to work on these. It will get better with practice.

C, C+ Grade

 * Have you done any Original Source / Fieldwork such as an interview with XXXX? This would give you additional information and insights and greater insights about the target / affected population. It would help you manage the complexity of your project as well as identify other potential lines of research, and even project partners. And, you'd have someone to ask too - about the costs for putting your budget together and/or ideas for potential funding (i.e., Patron) - that you could use or not.
 * You have plenty of data to work with – now, the challenge is to focus on describing how the source would be useful to your plan.
 * It's not totally clear who the population affected is - I can infer it, but it should be clearer and specific
 * There are some Models of Success but the AB entry is not specific enough (i.e., how many people when through the program, what was achieved etc. (You could even interview the program director as an Original Source / Fieldwork Interview to get more details). And then, you could use the information to guide the development of your Plan, Budget and so on.
 * What is the theoretical framework and paradigm you are going to use - this might be implicit in the paper, but it needs to be specific and explicit.
 * There are problems with grammar, sentence construction and punctuation. I have put on the tracking in MS Word to make some edits - and 'show' you how to make them, to improve your sentences. Going forward and throughout the remainder of the term, I expect that you will continue to work on these. It will get better with practice.

Midterm / Sales Letter - Direct Feedback to Students
This is good paper - a few things missing though - to improve:
 * You still need to incorporate a theory - if it's in there, it didn't jump out at me. Because this is a course in the Dept. of English, we've go to have it in there.
 * Think about communicating the results of your education campaign - this will also move hearts and minds. Very important and often overlooked. Sing the praises of what you're doing when it's funded - and also put in the sales letter - that this is what you're going to do, and why - to draw more attention to the problem, and the solution. Politicians eat this stuff up - why? Because they want to be re-elected.


 * I made some comments as to using images in your presentation - to make it personal. Also, use a bar graph to illustrate the scope of the problem. I know you like spreadsheets - decide if you want to put one in, or put up a graphic / pie chart.


 * very good paper – my comments are embedded in the paper. Watch the sentence construction – when writing a longer paper, clarity often suffers. You just have to prepare yourself mentally for a marathon, not a sprint. Make sure to print out the document before submitting it, and then review it critically. You will see opportunities to fix typos, poor grammar and awkward sentence construction / errors that take away from an otherwise strong paper.


 * One area for strengthening in the Paper – is around your Partnerships. This project has the ability to attract a lot of attention – which in turn could be very good for your partners on a number of levels.


 * Also, I didn’t see you mention anything about evaluating success at key points throughout the project. And, also how many years will this project run for? Is there a plan for sustainability? (This is important for funders to see – i.e., we’ll give you the seed funding to get it up and running, but how are you going to keep it going beyond the initial investment phase / period?) Important things to think about.

Need to Ask for Funds and ID How You Will Use the Money
Have you ever seen Shark Tank (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shark_Tank) - it's a TV show where entrepreneurs pitch their idea to ask for an investment in their company - to grow.

There are similarities between your paper / proposal and Shark Tank. You are making a "Pitch" to a Prospective Investor / Funder (Patron):


 * You have developed a solution (model of success / Paradigm) to meet a need (Problem) that affects a group of people (Population)
 * You need funds to launch / implement the idea (Plan)
 * The Plan itself has an overall budget / cost to execute (Price)
 * You make the Pitch - and the Patron then asks you questions about the overall plan, and the return on investment (which includes the overall cost, and the components of the cost. You also have to identify how many people will be impacted, and over what time frame. The Patron will then be aware of what you are truly requesting, whether it makes sense for him / her / organization. S/he can quickly evaluate feasibility, impact and whether or not your Proposal will be a good investment.

Negativity

 * The Office for Violence Prevention and Victim Assistance is a branch of the Rutgers Student Affairs that aims to help students who have experienced trauma. On paper this seems like the perfect program to prevent violence on campus, sadly there are flaws in the current system.
 * Don’t say it like this – it will put any funder on the defensive. Instead, frame a program / institution in a positive light, and they will more likely be agreeable to what you propose / have in mind.

Non-passing work
Non-passing work on the midterm paper generally exhibits some of the following problems:
 * Fails to fulfill the basic requirements of the assignment (e.g.: minimal or missing bibliography, no in-text citations).
 * Develops a very personal argument without sufficient reference to others (so that it should really be a letter to the editor rather than a project proposal).
 * Fails to use or cite research, or uses inappropriate research.
 * Focuses on the methods (how) while ignoring the researched justification (why).
 * Presents an overly broad, or unfocused, or inappropriately large topic.
 * Follows a "report of information" format, without a clear objective or application structuring the paper.
 * Fails to address a specific audience.
 * Exhibits a high level of error which interferes significantly with meaning.

C Range work
C range papers not only address a reader's concerns but begin to use or reference research to justify an approach to those concerns. Often, they are making the appropriate gestures without reaching full potential. Also, they may try to define a problem and offer a somewhat justified solution, but the research is not yet fully sufficient or well enough deployed to make a solid case. The research does not yet begin to gel into a paradigm, and sometimes the paper still exhibits some residue of the "report" format. Alternatively, a student may rely too heavily on summary of sources and research findings, rather than having the source material directed toward a specific goal. Sometimes a C range paper relies too heavily on pathos rather than logos, which is usually a sign of insufficient research.

B Range work
B range papers have a clear understanding of audience and purpose. They describe a problem and offer a solution that is justified by research. They should also begin to set forth (or at least suggest or point toward) a consensus view (or paradigm) that will justify the project objective. They are generally well presented and relatively error-free.

A Range work
A range papers have a strong understanding of audience, purpose, and the means of persuasion at hand. They should offer a clear paradigm, where the student uses strong research and presents it with confidence. There should be very few errors in writing.

Oral Draft of the Presentation
Hi XXX,

I noticed your sign up for the Oral Presentation - very good.

Now, I want you to have the best possible chance of delivering a great presentation - so if you feel you will benefit from more time to prepare, you can go later.

Be aware though - that while this is an Oral Draft of Your Paper - you are still required to be working on the sections of your overall Project Proposal with the Final to be delivered at the end of the term.

https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/1OmgmjpeK-zQ3ktmli7E8V09Z3JPxV9KxbfU53sdYJWM/edit#gid=1664666193

- Prof. Fisher

Date for Presentation - Highest Grades First
Hi,

Can you do your presentation on November 15?

https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/1OmgmjpeK-zQ3ktmli7E8V09Z3JPxV9KxbfU53sdYJWM/edit#gid=1664666193

We are doing the presentations in the order of the people with the highest grades so far in the course, so that the people who need most improvement will see positive examples of success.

In return, every student will receive specific and detailed feedback from me, on their PPT presentation - before presenting.

You can ask Andrew Trenk in class, in person or by email, if this was valuable and helpful, as he is the first recipient of this assistance - and is the first to present, in this week's class.

- Prof. Fisher

Your Oral Presentation; PPT Feedback
Hi Everyone,

As you may know, Andrew Trenk is going to do the first presentation this week.

Next week, yours will follow.

We are doing the presentations in the order of the people with the highest grades so far in the course, so that the people who need most improvement will see positive examples of success.

Thank you for your leadership!

I will grade your Midterm Sales Letters ASAP, and get the corrected versions over to you.

Also, each of you will receive specific and detailed feedback from me, on your PPT presentation - before presenting. We will do this by phone - have your computer open and create the presentation in Google Slides.

Make sure to get the PPT to me 1-2 days before your presentation, so there's time for the phone call and to make tweaks / adjustments.

You can ask Andrew Trenk, if this was valuable and helpful, as he is the first recipient of this assistance.

- Prof. Fisher

PS. I will develop a customized Evaluation Form for each of you, so your Patron-colleagues can complete it online, and you'll receive the results quickly. You can use this feedback to continue to Improve and Incorporate into your Final Project Proposal.

Final Project Proposal

 * Comments on the Final Project Proposal will focus on the Top 3 Areas that require the most work (not including sentence construction)

Plan (and Pilot Projects)
A smart way to develop the Plan, is as a Pilot Project - spread over 3 years in 3 Phases. This mitigates risk and increases focus and learning and is a typical manageable model which is more likely to receive funding
 * Year 1 - Phase I - Project Start, Hiring and Materials Development, Intervention to Impact Small Sample of Target Population, Lessons Learned
 * Year 2 - Phase II - Project Implementation - benefits from Lessons Learned, Sample Size increased; Formative Evaluation
 * Year 3 - Phase III - Scaling up to reach larger population; Adoption; Summative Evaluation (external contractor); and Sustainability (i.e., how / where are we going to get funding to keep this project going).

Education Workshops (for Teachers)
I liked the focus on teacher education and the workshop. Teachers need to understand the content AND how to best teach people of a specific age group, culture and stage in learning and life. A workshop is a good place to teach and share teaching approaches, content and good practices.
 * Community of Practice / Facilitation - You might also include a web community of practice and facilitator support (in your plan and budget) so that they can keep connected and continue to share learnings and good practices. This could also be for another phase of a pilot project.

Price (Budget)
Common errors in calculating the price (budget) leaves out the following costs:
 * '''Administration / Admin Support - who is going to administer and coordinate the project; supervise the people and overall implementation (keeping it on track) and evaluate (formative) the project including: (office space, utilities, computer, telephone, long distance, equipment, HR, cost of project manager and other services) - approx. 10, 12, 15-18% of the overall budget - the short answer, "it depends"
 * Salaries / Cost of Labour
 * 1) Benefits are often forgotten in the Salary Calculation - add 30% to salary amount
 * 2) Beware of loading up the proposal with retail rates for external providers - i.e., nutritionist or yoga teacher or maintenance provider @ $80/hour X 2,000 hours (number of hours in 1 year) = $160K per year. When the cost of engaging the professional service provider is high, the funder will view this item more favorably (i.e., demonstrate value-for-money) when the provider is contracted by the Project Admin. This will significantly reduce your cost - 50% or more; and ensure employment stability for the professional (as well as the prestige and leverage of being associated with your project).


 * Marketing & Communications (i.e., outreach, dissemination, reporting) - approx. 10% of the overall budget
 * (i.e., collateral, website, video, cost of people to do the work)
 * Monitoring & Evaluation & Reporting- may be included in Admin and/or Marketing and Communications
 * Reporting to Patron (Funder) - Essential part of receiving funding are ongoing progress reports to the funder to measure adherence to terms of reference for the funded amount. Also, this reporting builds the relationship and sets a foundation for going back to the funder for a second ask (i.e., Phase II, III) etc.
 * External Evaluator (contracted) - plan for additional $10-$12K (integrates into Evaluation Plan)
 * Contingency - approx. 3% of the overall budget

Plan - Education Program Quality
The Plan to develop content for an online learning module / course is good. Remember though, that content and the overall environment changes over time, so the content would have to be refreshed and the Budget would have to be updated to reflect that. The cost of the Evaluator is a bit high - maybe drop it down to $15-$18K

There are also considerations of the overall quality of the learning itself and evaluation of how well participants are learning. (i.e., the degree to which it is truly effective vs. students are taking it because they are mandated to do so.)

Importance of Scholarly Research about Learning Outcomes, Education Programs
Proposals that receive higher grades will have scholarly research that explores how education programs can be improved - before, during and after implementation - to achieve learning outcomes. While your recommended program may / may not exist, there is a considerable body of scholarly research in "education" that examines the efficacy of learning - i.e., how do we know people learned what we said / proposed they were going to learn?

Price (Budget) - Separate / Breakdown Budget into Years 1, 2 and 3
It would have been helpful - and easier to review if the Budget was separated out into Years 1 and 2 - and then we could see how you might stagger the expenses over both years. In a proposal, not all of the funding is spent in Year 1 - and the way you’ve set up the table, it is hard to see that. It requires the funder to go back into the narrative to find this breakdown of information.

Provide Indications of Assumptions

 * Provide the assumptions that you are taking into account - so that they make the numbers defensible - or close to it.

Discussion and Evaluation Plan
'''Common errors in this section leave out a substantive discussion and analysis (i.e., for / against, pros / cons; success or lack of success) of the project plan / intervention. '''
 * It is not a black and white discussion - but one that explores possibilities on the continuum / spectrum between yes and no. For example, if the Project was not achieving success in Year 1 or Year 2, could it be changed? If yes, how?
 * Or, if the funder rejected the Plan or had a different understanding of the Problem, HOW could the proposal and its key parts be reconfigured?
 * Or, if the Population was narrowed or widened, HOW could the proposal be changed or improved?
 * There has to be a reiteration of the pitch for the Project, and its overall value to the Patron and the Community it is destined to serve

Evaluation Plan

 * There needs to be a discussion regarding the Evaluation Plan; the Process of the Evaluation; and Who is Going to Do It. Typically, there are two types of Evaluations: (1) Formative - happens throughout the project; and (2) Summative - happens at the end of the project. Formative Evaluations can be conducted in-house (by appropriate personnel) whereas Summative Evaluations are conducted externally - by an external impartial individual (usually a consultant specialized in evaluations and the subject matter area). The areas for improvement, lessons learned and project findings are presented in a report which is disseminated internally and to the funder. Decisions are made as to the implementation, timing and resources required to implement the findings. The Cost for the Evaluation Plan needs to be itemized in the Budget. Plan for $10-12K for an external evaluator to assess performance, value for money, lessons learned and issue a report for internal use and dissemination to the Patron / external funders.

Layout and MS Word Pagination, Formatting
Layout and Pagination – The paper appears to be well laid out, but upon closer examination, the pages are not set up properly in MS Word, and if the Patron (or in this case, the Instructor makes changes) the pagination does not work properly – and is not updated properly in the Table of Contents. This isn’t helpful for the Patron, and suggests that the paper’s author did not spend the appropriate time to properly lay out the paper and master the intricacies of formatting the paper for MS Word.

Guidance on Sentence Construction

 * Problems of sentence-level error (especially grammar and syntax) are so severe that they interfere with the paper's meaning and appear to be both serious and irremediable without another semester of work.
 * Examples of serious error include sentence fragments, subject-verb agreement errors, or an over-reliance on simple sentences without transitions between them. Less severe (and passable) problems include spelling errors, misused apostrophes, and bad proofreading.
 * The writer does not project a basic competence in writing.

Strong Start to Paper - Discussion and Evaluation Sections Need Work
This is a strong paper up until this point – the discussion is really the place where you get into a lively pro and con for your solution, and the why this will pay off in terms of investment.


 * You are asking for upwards of $500K, and I have no idea what the return is going to be.


 * Your evaluation plan is just bullet points, and questions, not a thoughtful narrative as to how you are going to ensure that the project will work, the people are held accountable, and you are going to get value for money and make corrections as you get new data coming in. This is, unfortunately very weak, and compromises the merit of this proposal. At worst, such a proposal would not be funded; at best, the funder would come back to you and tell you to revisit and rework these sections.


 * You need far greater detail and discussion of the pros and cons in this section, and how you will address scaling up as the project grows, as well as the modifications you might have to make if / when your proposal doesn’t go according to plan (which it never does!)


 * The Evaluation section is not what I expected – it is supposed to be a narrative, not bullet points. (The bullet points were to aid you in fleshing out this section.). It needs to be a thoughtful, critically-analyzed section that evaluates the success or improvement of the project. The funder needs to know how you can manage and lead this project, and in particular what you are going to do if it is not succeeding, and what you will seek to learn, to further improve project outputs and outcomes.

1st Response
The grades are in draft mode right now - as I evaluate the quality of the papers and performance in class. There have been, and will be some changes.

Your paper, as it stands, does not merit a grade higher than it is. I usually am more generous at first pass - then when I go look at it in greater detail, the grades usually go down!

For your paper, the last part is not convincing and does not drive home the value of the program nor the return on investment. You are asking for $100K per year X 3, and in Year 1, you are only putting through 3 mentees! And, then over a 5 year period, you anticipate that the program will increase by 20% - leading to an additional mentee. This seems like a gravy train for the people running the program! This would not be funded, and it doesn't make a compelling case for doing so.

If you want to go back and fix the last two sections up, I will at look at it - but no guarantees.

2nd Response
As I said, the grades are draft mode.

As I have looked more closely at the participation, I recall many times I had to really probe with you, to get your ideas - instead of you offering them, and sharing directly with the class. Much communication was directed towards me, not the entirety of the class. That is why I adjusted the portion of the grade.

As you revisit the sections in your final paper, I want to see a thoughtful approach to fixing the problem in your paper - not just an updating of the numbers. Remember, as you increase the numbers of participants, this will impact your overall budget. You won't have to change the budget at this stage.

Instead, you'll have to focus your critical thinking and analytical skills - not something you can write up in a day and resubmit. I want you to focus on developing a robust discussion - pros and cons and evaluation - how are you going to know that you are successful, and what are you going to do about it. I need to be confident that you can manage and lead this project, and in particular what you are going to do if it is not succeeding.

Are you up to the challenge?

A Range
An A paper has all of the qualities of a B paper, and distinguishes itself in at least some of the following ways:


 * Sets an especially challenging or original task that the student fulfills.
 * Demonstrates excellent or innovative research, which is well ordered and cited.
 * Organizes the research into a clearly and carefully delineated paradigm.
 * Uses graphics that are highly effective at conveying information.
 * Has almost completely error-free writing.
 * Has a degree of stylistic polish that exceeds the commonplace (though this alone does not make an A paper, it is often a contributing factor).
 * Exhibits a remarkably attractive appearance and visually appealing design.
 * The best A range projects are those in which the writer does more than merely import an existing paradigm into a new situation. There should be some attempt to modify the model and make it case-specific, expanding the paradigm.

B Range
A paper in the B range generally does most of the following to some extent:


 * Clearly describes or quantifies the problem or need to be addressed.
 * Has a sense of the paradigm or theoretical frame used to define the project.
 * Engages (and does not ignore) the difficulties suggested by the research or the plan.
 * Uses source materials well and places them in a logical relation to other sources and the thesis.
 * Responds to the needs or concerns of the likely audience (or funding source).
 * Strives to persuade the reader.
 * Seems feasible as a real world project.
 * Uses visual aids that are well explained and integrated into the proposal.
 * Guides the reader through the argument (using good transitions, sign posts, forecasting, etc.).
 * Has mostly error-free writing.
 * Often, a B range paper has a strong literature review but a weak plan, or alternately, an imaginative and well developed plan of action that is insufficiently supported by research.

C Range
Papers usually fall into the C range if they have some of the following characteristics:


 * The level of research, organization, and logic are sufficient to demonstrate a basic competency.
 * The paper puts information in action and is not merely a report or summary.
 * The argument shows signs of promise even if it is not fully unified or fully developed.
 * The research, while sufficient to pass, does not seem to fulfill all of the needs of the student's argument. Perhaps certain essential facts are missing from an otherwise acceptable paper.
 * The writer ignores important difficulties or avoids dealing with salient issues.
 * The writer has not fully engaged with or considered the audience's concerns about this project.
 * The solution does not follow logically from the problem.
 * The paradigm does not mesh with the practice, or is not clearly delineated.
 * Generally, a paper that is competent but fails to organize the research into a paradigm will receive a C+ grade.
 * The visual aids are especially weak or carelessly prepared.
 * The level of error is high or shows signs of general and repeated carelessness.

F Range
Reasons why a final proposal might receive a grade of F include:


 * The paper is plagiarized, in whole or in part. (Instructors must bring all plagiarism issues immediately to a Writing Program director.)
 * The paper does not meet the basic requirements of the assignment (e.g.: no visual aids or no bibliography, missing crucial sections).
 * The writer does not use sufficient or appropriate documentation (i.e.: very few, very old or completely inappropriate sources) or does not support points with references.
 * The paper is written in the form of a report, and fails to focus information toward action.
 * The paper depends largely on undirected summary.
 * The level of basic organization interferes dramatically with the paper's meaning. For example, the paragraphs do not follow logically or there is no apparent organizational structure.
 * Problems of sentence-level error (especially grammar and syntax) are so severe that they interfere with the paper's meaning and appear to be both serious and irremediable without another semester of work.
 * Examples of serious error include sentence fragments, subject-verb agreement errors, or an over-reliance on simple sentences without transitions between them. Less severe (and passable) problems include spelling errors, misused apostrophes, and bad proofreading.
 * The writer does not project a basic competence in writing.

Don't have access to your Private Instagram Account
Hi there - I don't have access to your Instagram account - so I cannot give you a grade for postings - Can you take care of this?

- Prof. Fisher

Tutoring
I checked with the tutoring folks at Douglass Writing Center to see who was registered for their - surprisingly, your name did not come up. (You told me that you were getting tutoring.)

Were you aware that the Douglass center has tutors who are skilled in business and proposal writing - not just basic tutoring?

Is that something you would wish to pursue?

Let me know.

- Prof. Fisher

Why Grades are Muted

 * Q. Hi Professor, I was checking my grades and saw that you removed our final grades and I was wondering why? Additionally, when will all the other grades be posted? Happy Holidays!
 * A. I muted notification of the grades in Canvas because I am in the thick of grading 2 other courses in addition to our course right now - that's over 150 assignments that I have to get done this week - because grades have to be officially submitted. When I gave the grades I was bombarded with comments about wanting feedback. There wasn't any gratitude or appreciation about the fact that I had gotten it done quickly, but more demands on my time and no understanding that I might be under pressure to complete the university's requirements (And, of course, I am human!). Frankly, at this late point in the term, I am focusing my time and and energy to getting the 150 papers graded and completed. I will be happy to provide comments after I have submitted the grades.

There you have it!

- Prof. Fisher